if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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