My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
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I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
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I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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