I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
