hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
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Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
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Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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