Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
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When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
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Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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