In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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