On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Randomize
