I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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