Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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