Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
