she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
