So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
