hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
