I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Come see our sink grown plant.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
