so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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