Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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