Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
