I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
