i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Randomize
