While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
