If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
