I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Boobs speak an international language.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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