then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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