i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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