Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
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