K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
