once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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