I want to have your abortion
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
