Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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