Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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