you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
