Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
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If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
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YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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