I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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