I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
being pregnant is like rehab
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
