That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
