he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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