I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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