The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
