My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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