ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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