apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
