I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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