just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
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disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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