Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize