People with herpes should wear stickers.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
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