my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
