I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
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I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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