So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
