Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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