he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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