I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
