Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
