Culvers...So Good
So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
