I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
