He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
